One thing I learned during my year off of social media: Kate Moss is a f*cking liar, I found out there are A LOT of things that taste better than skinny feels.
So, as some of you who actually give a damn noticed, I took a full year off of social media. GASP! YES a full year! What did I do? Well against popular belief, not posting things on social media DOES NOT mean I sat on my couch watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island…I did actually DO stuff.
Normal stuff…you know…brushed my teeth, took lots of shits (it was a full year people!!), ate food (lots of food…as you will soon see) (amazing you can actually eat, even if you don’t post, I know – MIND BLOW), I also had a lot of really emotional and anxiety filled episodes of complete mental and physical breakdowns. More on that later (for those that are my followers, you will see the drama unfold…and to those that are not my followers…the story is good, really good, (I couldn’t make this bullshit up, even if I tried)) so you best be getting over your commitment issues and start subscribing to my blog asap. Stop being such a bitch baby.
Anyway, back to why I am writing this post. In the past I was getting a bit of slack from a handful of women about being a mom and putting up incredibly HOT pictures of myself. Or maybe it wasn’t because I am a mom, maybe it was because those lady haters were just hating on my fabulous bootie. What? ….?…. Well come on. I was pretty damn HOT.
So… my mom always told me to play fair. So I thought if I was ballsy enough to put up tan fit gorgeous pictures of my body, it was only fair to put up gross, slow-growing muffin top pictures of myself also. I mean what girl doesn’t want to bask in the glory of knowing that the HOT tamale above has now fallen flat on her face and at the present moment looks like a f*cking mess of a buritto? But not a new burrito that is hot out of the oven, and your mouth is watering for a bite. More like the burrito that has already had about 6 bites taken out of it, it’s falling apart and sauce is dripping out from all angles. All while you are thinking, ‘Why the hell did I order this buritto?!’ oh and also, ‘Did I even wash my hands, this is disgusting?!’ YES, that kind of buritto.
So without further ado. Never seen before fatty pictures. Take it all in ladies. They are pale and glorious and cottage cheese filled!!
(I just realized I spelled emphasize really really really wrong (above), that’s what happens when you are up til 2am trying to ‘collage’ things! Cut a woman some slack people! There is no way in hell I am going back and redoing that, what a nightmare. As always, deal with it.)
Some of you might be sitting here thinking. You don’t look THAT bad Sabrina (and to you 5 people, I will say, ‘Awe, well thank you. So sweet.’) But I can reassure you every ounce of muscle and tone-ality (I know…I make up words…like you’re an angel) are gone. Cottage cheese is everywhere, and back fat? Seriously? Now my body is just being plain mean. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even jiggle anymore. I remember the first sign of butt jiggle I felt climbing a set of stairs a few months ago. My butt had not jiggled, EVER. It was actually horrifying. I paused on the stairs for a 1/2 a second to take in the experience. It was not pretty. But now my fat isn’t even fun jiggle fat. For instance, my fiance slapped my ass the other day and it didn’t give him any satisfaction in form of a vibration of any sort…it just did a lazy ‘eh’ noise and died off before it even got started. I could see the disappointment in my fiance’s eyes as he and I experienced that romantic scene together. It was fun.
I do plan on kicking my body back into gear, but it IS a lot harder than I thought it would be to get back into it. Honestly, the thought of working out goes through my head multiple times per day. Actually as I sit here staring at my dimple forming thighs above, I am thinking to myself, ‘I should go for a quick jog around the block.’ Then I think, ‘Eh…in 30 minutes.’ (Now I know where my ass is getting her attitude.)
I would like to add that my body did not get SUPER out of hand because I was still eating semi healthy (a few green smoothies a week), and was forcing myself to do things like take the stairs and parking far away from the burger joints I was planning on gorging at. So it could have been so much worse than it actually is. I just weighed myself today. 152. That is a weight gain of 22+ pounds people! BLAH!
I finally stepped back in the gym about 3 weeks ago, because my thighs were starting to rub together. That was enough to get me out of bed. When I walked in, I asked the front desk man when my last day at the gym had been (just out of curiosity), he said I was 9 days short of an entire year. Then the little goal setter said, ‘You should have waited 9 more days, it would have been an entire year.’ Way to teach your employees to motivate the fatties, LA Fitness. You get a Gold Star.
So you, my dear reader, have a few options. You can point and laugh, you can share this and show it to your friends (because that is what a good friend would do, remember you give a little, I give a little) or you can skip all that other crap, write an inspirational comment below and let me know you are climbing on this wagon with me and we are going to murder some fat together…right after we eat…of course.
Lots of Love – Sabrina Victoria
Awesome things you may have missed on my other social media outlets:
I just started a Vlogging Channel! It’s pretty sweet, check it out below.
A few things I found amusing, that you probably don’t give two shits about, but you’re sitting on the toilet while reading this so you might as well check them out:
Be awesome today. Even if everyone else sucks.