There is always a thought in the back of my mind that everything needs to be perfect in order for results to occur. I am grateful that I had fleeting moments during this past year of trying to get back into working out and being healthy, because I think those few and far between actions kept me from really spiraling out of control. Doing things like cleanses, enemas and green smoothies a handful of times over the last 12 months kept the fact that I was gorging on food every single night from catching up with me too much.
I just recently wrote a IG post about Time. My parents just celebrated a rarity. Their 33rd wedding anniversary. I think they deserve a round of applause for that one. I think back often of the house I grew up in, 1009 Bishop Street in West Chicago. I think back to the awesome 2 1/2 car attached garage that my dad turned into a play room. I remember all the crazy sleepovers and laughs and movie watching we did in that room. I remember the smell of mexican food coming from the kitchen, I miss that sometimes. I remember so much happiness in our home. I remember thinking of my future, and what I thought it would be like. I look at my life now and sometimes laugh at how different it is. I think everyone has thoughts like that. Even those that seem to have everything in order, I sometimes think those are the people who have it the worst. Hiding behind perfection can be tough. I know, because I use to live there. Leading a double, sometimes triple life in order to gain more love, in order to fit in. It’s exhausting and it will kill you. Maybe not physically, but mentally. It isn’t as if there is a sign plastered to your face, but your habits and your body will reek of havoc.
Over the past year I smiled a lot. Fake, gorgeous, convincing smiles and laughter.
But I was mentally dying. Withering away. Giving up. Sometimes wishing I could run away. I couldn’t concentrate on much. And wanted to hide and sleep all day. And sometimes, I did.
During this time I ate. I ate constantly. Day and night. Sometimes til 2 or 3 in the morning, just gorging on anything I could find in the kitchen. I remember one night I was so desperate to eat, I honestly grabbed a bag of italian flavored croutons and sat in front of my computer working while shoveling handfuls of croutons in my mouth. It wasn’t until I was so exhausted that I was falling asleep in my chair that I would get up and go to bed. I would try so hard to get motivated. I would read healthy memes and google fitness models and make plans to work out the following day…
and the following day would come and I would sleep in…drag myself out of bed to drop my son off at school and when I got home…would go right back to bed. I would work all day/night…stay up til 2-3am and do the entire routine over again. I was gaining weight, I was bloated, I was tired, I was emotional…I was a wreck.
You see, I was so mentally drained from things that were happening ‘to’ my life, that I had lost all control. I had forgotten that indeed, I had control the entire time.
Time will pass either way.
This is the thing. I am still emotionally a wreck. I am still healing. I still hold anger. Resentment. But I daily, sometimes hourly have to commit to staying in control. I have to physically take those thoughts as they pop in my head and put them in a box…and file them in my closet. I have to provide myself with a clean working table/slate in my mind in order to progress forward. I know so many of you are struggling with the same thing. I know some of you turn to food, like I did. I know some of you turn to drinking, drugs…smoking in order to keep the mind busy…occupied so you don’t have to think. But this is the thing…you must feel. You must see your feelings, hold them, understand them. Place them in a box…and clear your slate. It seems easy enough…but it is difficult. And for some of us it might be harder than we are willing to work. And that is when we get stuck. We get stuck on the couch watching reruns of stupid shows that we sometimes don’t even care to be watching, but that is easier than facing our thoughts…facing our body…facing our conflicts.
I encourage you to take some quiet time. Even if it is in your car. Turn off your phone, turn off your radio. And be with your thoughts. Time is passing us by. We have two choices every single day. We can choose to be the person we are, making excuses and procrastinating. Or we an choose to live out a dream that we have. We can choose to accomplish a goal. We can choose to put our ‘stuff’ on the shelf and get up and live.
Time will pass either way.
I chose change. I got tired of seeing my life spiral. I still have to push myself, my habits are hard to break. I fail every single week. But that doesn’t mean I am giving up. That doesn’t mean I am throwing in the towel. Just the other week I posted a blog that I had only lost a 1/2 a pound in an entire week. I was angry. I was so pissed. I could have just said, ‘Fuck this shit, it doesn’t work.’ Which was a thought that went through my head. But I didn’t. I got up the very next day and did my routine. And I am going to keep striving towards the place I was mentally and physically a year ago. Because I know that the time will pass whether I do it or not. So I can sit and zone out…and ignore my thoughts…or I can run like hell towards what I want.
Every day I have a choice.
Who kicked butt this week?!?!
I was so proud when I took this picture. Really I was. I actually got off and back on again to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. 5 pounds lost this week. I followed my same routine. 35-45 minute workout at the park 5 days this week. No eating past 11pm and in bed by 1am. The only difference I have been making the last two weeks is I have been giving my workouts 110%, I push myself to the limit. I sweat like a mother fucking beast. And the results are there to prove it. I am changing only one thing this week. I am going to stop eating past 9pm.
My routine at the park this week consisted of no running. I have yet to run at all during this past 5 week period.
Walk 1/2 mile
300 jump ropes
50 step up/squats on the low bleachers
20 step up/squats on the high bleachers
100 jump ropes
36 modified push up intervals between side leg lifts and back leg lifts
10 jump squats (which I totally suck at…seriously)
100 jump ropes
100 punching up/side/down with 1 pound weights in each hand.
Walk 1/2 mile back to car. 10 minutes of slow relaxing stretching.
Lots of Love – Sabrina Victoria
Awesome things you may have missed on my other social media outlets:
I have a new VLOG up on youtube: I sample new meatless meatballs and let you know about my favorite salad!!
A few things I found amusing, that you probably don’t give two shits about, but you’re sitting on the toilet while reading this so you might as well check them out:
I fell in love with this company the moment I read about it. Seeing women take life by the horns at such a young age, trying to make difference. Is what life is about. You have to check them out: http://www.smartypantswear.com
Be awesome today. Even if everyone else sucks.